Peanut Butter Induced Epiphany

SO...this may not be true for everyone, but i've seriously just realized something very cool/sad/complex about myself.

when you first meet a boy, and he becomes a "potential" do you get that insane middle school feeling?
well, i do, and i call these "girly crushes" because it makes me feel like i'm in the 5th grade again and every little thing that he does or says MEANS something lol (obviously it doesnt...)
in general--girly crushes are exciting. you're constantly giddy, and, as my room mates and i refer to it, bejigiddy.
i may be alone in saying this, but i adore this phase.
of course, in my experience, girly crushes last anywhere from 3 days to a month--no longer (that is normally a relationship or the start of one), and MOST girly crushes don't go anywhere after that. they end and that is the end of that--which is fine! i'll already be on to the next soon enough!

BUT, here's the rub:

i've realized, that, for ME, the reason i like the girly crush phase is because i don't do well in actual relationships. i get fidgety and anxious when in one, and, therefore, stay away from them completely. so, since i know i won't have a lasting relationship i invest all of myself into my girly crushes...i OVER-appreciate what i have; and what i have is a knack for nothing other than girly crushes.

now, i find this kind of cool, in the sense that i suddenly understand WHY i get soooooooo excited about girly crushes. it's the only thing i have to look forward to in the boy department.
however, it is also a tad sad, because it seems my subconscious is looking out for me; protecting me from the things i am worst at, and, in a way, afraid of--relationships.

so, for all of my girlfriends who have had to endure my many girly crushes, and my incredibly annoying state, i sincerely apologize. it is not entirely my fault...i have little to no control over this mind of mine. i would like to say that now figuring this out it will all be better, but i'm sure there will be MANY more girly crushes that you will have to bare with me through! (*hopefully the current does not read this...)

pusshej,
jules